Paul Ryan’s Water

On January 19, 2016, President Barack Obama vetoed a resolution from Republicans in Congress that would have reversed Obama’s tightening of clean water rules from 2014, regulations enforced by the Environmental Protection Agency.

Obama wrote in his veto message:

Too many of our waters have been left vulnerable. Pollution from upstream sources ends up in the rivers, lakes, reservoirs, and coastal waters near which most Americans live and on which they depend for their drinking water, recreation, and economic development.

Republicans do not have the votes to overrule the veto.

Last week Speaker of the House and Republican leader Paul Ryan penned an editorial denouncing the regulations.

The new rules expanded the definition of “main waterways” from the 1972 Clean Water Act, as Ryan writes,

…to include all adjacent bodies of water, no matter how small. In other words, streams, drainage ditches and ponds — even those on private property — are now subject to the whims and aggressions of Washington bureaucrats.

Ryan believes the EPA wishes to “micromanage everyone’s use of their own land, including that of farmers and ranchers.” As evidence, he tells of a Wyoming farmer who was fined nearly $40,000 a day for “building a pond on his land to water his horses.” The farmer, in order to build his pond, built a dam on a tributary of a U.S. interstate river, which requires a federal permit, for which the farmer refused to apply after repeated warnings.

Ryan also cites a California farmer “told that he broke the law simply by plowing his land.” While the full story may indeed seem ridiculous, it is likewise complicated, as the EPA accused the farmer of plowing too deep in wetlands, which leads to their destruction, affecting environments elsewhere.

While critics may see the latter farmer’s insistence that “They’re trying to stop farmers. They’re simply trying to chase us off of our land” as incorrect (the EPA wants to stop wheat production so people go hungry? Or get rid of farmers so EPA employees can work the land themselves?), the statement serves Ryan’s point.

According to him, the regulations are only “allegedly” to protect the water supply people use to drink and farm from damage. They are actually meant to be a “power grab” for the sake of power; the EPA just likes to “micromanage” citizens. Ryan does not address any rationale the EPA might provide, such as:

The scientific literature unequivocally demonstrates that streams, individually or cumulatively, exert a strong influence on the integrity of downstream waters. All tributary streams, including perennial, intermittent, and ephemeral streams, are physically, chemically, and biologically connected to downstream rivers via channels and associated alluvial deposits where water and other materials are concentrated, mixed, transformed, and transported.

Liberal critics point out Ryan is responding to the lobbying of large corporations that oppose the tighter restrictions: “The US Chamber of Commerce and the National Association of Manufacturers have joined the ranks of the American Farm Bureau Federation, Dairy Farmers of America, pesticide manufacturers, mining companies, home builders, and the Koch-owned-and-run timber industry, to name but a few.”

Ryan believes in “the states’ primacy in water management.” He concludes:

Water is the foundation of life… Congress will continue to make sure that people who depend upon this indispensable resource are not imperiled by an overzealous federal bureaucracy.

So far, Ryan has remained silent on what many see as the far greater water crisis in Flint, Michigan, a disaster wrought by a state ignoring and resisting federal regulations on decontaminating public water.

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First Draft of Trump’s Inauguration Speech Leaked

 

MAY 4, 2016

 

INAUGURATION REMARKS OF DONALD J. TRUMP

 FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 2017

WASHINGTON, D.C.

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Thank you all. Chief Justice Roberts, thank you. President Carter, the two President Bushes President Bush Senior, President Bush, President Obama, distinguished guests, my fellow Americans, thank you.

I am truly humbled to be standing here before all of you today, I really am. I want to start today by thanking President Barack Obama for his service to America. He’s done a great job, hasn’t he? A really great job.

When we began this campaign no one believed this was possible. I heard thousands and thousands of people say, from sea to shining sea, that, “Oh, Donald Trump, he can’t get elected. They won’t take him seriously, his campaign is a joke.” Yet they forgot what makes America great. They forgot what the Founding Fathers knew. America has faced challenges over and over again. And each time, America — the greatest and most powerful nation in the world — met those challenges. It’s a beautiful thing.

The mainstream media called me a demagogue, and all these other horrible things. They said, “He hates so and so” or “He wants to shred the Constitution.” Those are foolish people. One website said you’d rather have Satan than Donald Trump as president. Ivanka said the website was Weekend Collective. I said, “Weekend Collective?” I’ve never heard of these things.

America met the challenges of the Nazis. We beat the Communists. The world was a mess, a complete and total disaster. And we saved it. Now if we could do those things…[pause for emphasis]…how could we not meet these other challenges? But I worked very hard and did it.

America has a lot of challenges, we all know this. Terrorists who want to kill us. Too many jobs going to China and Mexico. Bad trade deals, the worst I’ve seen. Too many middle class families can’t make ends meet. Our debt is in crisis a disaster. Hundreds of thousands of veterans waiting for care at hospitals. We’ve got corporate patrons who run the parties. And these politicians care only about begging for money from special interests so they can get reelected. Unbelievable challenges.

But if we work together, we can make America great again, I guarantee it.

The question is how? How do we make America great again? A lot of people have wondered that throughout American history, a lot of people. And a lot of people joined my campaign because I promised a lot of things, ridiculous things. Making Mexico pay for a wall? All my people said, “That’s crazy, that’s crazy.” Well, I said, “It’ll get the votes. Republican voters will love it, believe me.”

I said, “Let’s ban all the Muslims from entering the United States until we figure things out,” and my wife asked me, she said, “You don’t even believe that. You wouldn’t actually do it.” And I said, “You have to tell the people what they want to hear.” And that’s the way it is the truth, isn’t it? That’s what politicians do to get elected. Who says Donald J. Trump is the first one to do this? Who’s the first one to do this?

And the most remarkable thing happened. I saw all my rivals trying to one-up me, The Donald Donald Trump. You can’t one-up Donald Trump. Ben Carson is saying all these things, “Oh, the Muslim shouldn’t be president.” Ted Cruz is saying, “Let’s patrol Muslim neighborhoods” and all these ridiculous things. Why did they do it? They were trying to [pause and make fist] snatch away some votes.

Look, I’m really, really rich. I have successful businesses, many successful businesses. And successful businesses make a product people want to buy. I’ve had thousands and thousands of products, but I never imagined I’d be making myself one. I’m the product so many conservatives wanted. These other products, the Cruzes and the Carsons and the Jebs — the weakest product, believe me — are knockoffs. They’re inferior products, believe me.

I’m standing at this podium today because I told Republican voters what they wanted to hear. The people who hate Muslims, I told them we’d have to monitor all the mosques and keep out the Muslims and take out terrorist families. To the people who fear blacks, I tweeted a graphic about how blacks are killing white people in droves. To the Americans who think immigrants are stealing our jobs and bringing crime, I said, “OK, we’ll build a beautiful wall to keep out the rapists.”

“And why is it taking you two days to denounce David Duke?” my advisors were asking. I said, “A lot of my supporters also like David Duke.” They called me “ultimate savior” and “glorious leader” and put “heil” before my name. Can you believe that?

Nobody gets on national television and mocks a disabled guy and does all these things without good reason, believe me. Would Donald Trump of a few years ago have done that? Nobody says an American soldier isn’t a war hero if he gets captured. And you know, you can’t just tell OPEC, “You’re not going to raise that f*cking price.” Nobody promises to pay the legal fees of people who attack other people. I’m a human being, I hate seeing people get hurt, I really do. But I had to encourage it — it’s what violent voters wanted to hear. They loved it, and hit the button by my name when it was time.

How do we make America great again? Well, Ted Cruz called me a “progressive Democrat.” I wouldn’t go that far, that’s too far. But the things I’ve said in the past I still believe. The economy does better under Democrats. Healthcare should be a right for everybody. Assault weapons should be illegal. There’s not going to be a big gorgeous wall, we’re not censoring the Internet or banning all the Muslims. These things are ridiculous. I don’t know how anyone took them seriously.

I’m like any product Americans buy, believe me. I’m like palm readers Sketchers toning shoes. Remember those? You bought these shoes you’re really excited about, think they’ll pump up your ass, but eventually you realize they’re not all that different than your other shoes. It was just made to look great through false advertising. I don’t think I’ll be all that different than past presidents, believe me.

Some people will say, “What you did was wrong.” Well, Donald Trump isn’t perfect, nobody’s perfect. You know, sometimes I say silly things about women or the blacks. But there was nothing illegal about what I did. You can sue Sketchers, like a lot of people did, and a lot of people got money from it, but you can’t sue me for being who conservatives wanted. You can’t sue a politician for flip-flopping. And at the end of the day, what’s more wrong? The millions and millions of people who wanted someone strong, someone crude, actually wanted a bigot, wanted an authoritarian…[super long pause for emphasis]…or the one guy who gave them what they wanted?

Now enough of that. Let’s get to work. Lots of smart ways to make America great again. God bless you, and God bless America.

 

END

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What State is Kansas City in? Evil Asshole Paul Rudd Explains

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Disclaimer [added after the agent of a certain actor contacted the writer]: This article is satire, you twits. I’m not actually Paul Rudd. I’m Evil Asshole Paul Rudd, a fictional character. Keep sharing the article — or don’t, I couldn’t care less — but stop telling people it’s the real Paul Rudd. You’re gonna get my white ass sued.

 

Oh, hey.

It’s me, Evil Asshole Paul Rudd.

Here to explain obvious things to dipshits and dingbats. I lived in Kansas City growing up, and Jesus there are a lot of those scurrying around here. And around the world. But mostly here.

It’s why I ghosted you fuckers hard on social media. Yeah, I used to have a Twitter. Facebook, too. But they’re gone now. Tired of you blowing up my DMs. If you want to know the answers to basic ass questions like “What State is Kansas City in?” you’ll have to come here for them.

There are two Kansas Cities, OK? God, it’s sad to have to explain this. There’s a Kansas City, Missouri, and a Kansas City, Kansas, OK?

I’ll repeat it slowly so as not to confuse you: two…cities. Not one city in two states. That’s impossible, dumbass. Read the Constitution.

Now I’m going to throw a curveball your way. Most of the time, anyone who lives anywhere near Kansas City just tells people from other cities that they are from Kansas City. As an outsider, when you hear “I’m from Kansas City,” don’t assume that means Kansas. Or Missouri. Don’t assume anything, OK? I’m from Lenexa, Kansas, but when people in Los Angeles hear that, they think Slap-the-Udder is all there is to do there on a Saturday night. It’s suburbia, motherfuckers!

So yeah, sometimes it’s treated like one city in two states. Nothing wrong with that. As long as you understand it technically isn’t.

If you’re from out of town, your proper response to every statement resembling “I’m from Kansas City” is “Oh, Kansas side or Missouri side?” Whomever you’re speaking to will be blown the fuck away. Guaranteed.

All that’s left to educate you on is which is better. Now, before we start busting out the rulers for size comparisons (must…resist…shuttlecock…pun), both Kansas Cities are pretty great if we’re including the greater metro area. In other words, not just comparing Kansas City, Kansas, and Kansas City, Missouri, but including Lenexa and everywhere else. Lot of nice places to live, work, and go to school on the Greater-Kansas City-in-Kansas side, and a lot of amazing attractions on the Greater-Kansas City-in-Missouri side like downtown, the plaza, the Royals stadium, the Chiefs stadiums, and murder.

Now, all those cool things are in Kansas City, Missouri, itself, not just Greater-Kansas City-in-Missouri. So looking at just Kansas City, Kansas, and Kansas City, Missouri, Kansas City, Kansas, gets utterly destroyed. All it’s got is a cool soccer stadium and a water park that doubles as a guillotine.

If you live in Greater-Kansas City-in-Kansas you don’t want to live in Kansas City, Kansas, but if you live in Greater-Kansas City-in-Missouri it’s chill to live in Kansas City, Missouri.

Christ, this is confusing.

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The Devil or the Donald?

The hour grows late, and Donald Trump is pants-crappingly close to clinching the Republican nomination for president, with no sign of slowing down.

Trump, widely reviled as a monster by people on the Left and the Right (minus his enthusiastic loyalists), has been called many things: racist, demagogue, sexist, liar, con man, vertical weasel roadkill display case. But worse than Lucifer himself? Now, before you make (accurate) accusations of hyperbole, hear the argument in all its satanic glory. These are the 6 reasons you’d rather have Satan as president than Donald Trump.

(Think they’re bullsh*t? At the end you can cast your vote to pick a side.)

 

1. SATAN HAS CONSISTENT VALUES

Say what you want about the Prince of Darkness, he’s a man of f*cking principles. Trump races from one side of the political aisle to the next like a horny polygamist bunny with 24 hours left to live. “Identifying” as a Democrat, running as Republican? Pro-choice, then pro-life? The military should commit war crimes, then it shouldn’t? Stricter gun control, then pulling a Charleston Heston and waving a rifle around on stage like a madman? (Can liberals and conservatives finally agree to keep guns out of the wrong tiny hands?)

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

You won’t catch Satan flip-flopping on the important issues. Didn’t accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? You’re going to hell and you’re gonna be tortured, I guarantee it. I don’t see Satan standing at the Gates of Hell, patting you on the back, and explaining to his demons, “Look, I know this guy, he’s a great guy, and I think he’s gonna fit in great here. There’s really no reason to torment this one, he’s really a friend, he’s done a great job. I know what you’re thinking, and you know, to be honest, a lot of people have been asking me, ‘Oh, why spare this guy?’ A lot of people. You know, those are foolish people.” Lucifer just gets right to the spanking you deserve.

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

 

2. SATAN HAS LESS NAZI AND K.K.K. SUPPORT

Donald’s attacks on racial, national, and religious groups earned him support from David Duke of the Ku Klux Klan, as well as neo-Nazi types who called Trump a “glorious leader” and “ultimate savior,” adding “Heil Donald Trump” for sh*ts and giggles. While that doesn’t seem to bother Trump fans, some of us don’t like supporting the same candidates as white supremacists. A guy praised by Nazis? That should really be the first clue you’re voting for the wrong person, don’t ya think? I mean, Jesus.

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

Neo-Nazis and the Klan are no fans of Satan. First, he’s not white. Second, they often claim to be Christian groups. I promise you they claim it, believe me. And Christian groups — even violent, racist, extremist Christian groups — aren’t about to endorse the Great Deceiver. So I guess they would prefer Trump over Satan, but as for the rest of us? We’d go for the guy the people wearing white hoods or swastikas hate. Seems like the right thing to do.

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

 

3. SATAN HAS BETTER IMMIGRATION POLICIES

All this talk from Trump about building his “gorgeous wall” to keep out Central and South Americans and “temporarily” banning all Muslims from entering the country even has some conservatives calling foul, though a deeply unsettling number agree with him, including his “Muslim friends” who are “so happy” with his idea. For those of us who see such things as unwise, ineffective, unfair, immoral, illegal, unconstitutional, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc., we need a candidate more accepting of outsiders, someone who doesn’t discriminate, someone with a sensible path to citizenship.

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

Enter Beelzebub. Satan doesn’t discriminate. He doesn’t care if you’re black, white, Hispanic, Muslim, Christian, atheist…he will tempt you just the same, and of course victimize you for all eternity with enthusiasm. Sure, he may not get to torture any True Believers, as they will be elsewhere, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t welcome them in a heartbeat if they showed up at his Gate. He wouldn’t turn people away based on race or religion or political persuasion or nation or origin. You know, he has a heart.

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

 

4. SATAN DOESN’T TAKE OUT PEOPLE’S FAMILIES

Donald Trump, already suspected of being a blithering idiot, recently bestowed this little nugget of wisdom on the American people: “The other thing with the terrorists is you have to take out their families, when you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families.” What a repetitive nincompoop. Who exactly does he think dies when we drone bomb weddings, funerals, and neighborhoods? The terrorists’ unlikable tax attorneys?

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

Lucifer doesn’t go there. Is your older brother a sinner? That doesn’t mean Satan will up and light you aflame while flaying your back to sinews with a bullwhip — while demons punch you repeatedly in the crotch — for all eternity. The Devil only does that to people who deserve it. You know, Muslims, Jews, atheists, agnostics, Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, and so on. And hey, if people deserve their punishment, no legal fees! Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

 

5. TRUMP MOCKS PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES, BUT SATAN LOOKS OUT FOR THEIR INTERESTS

You have to be some serious kind of @$$hole to mock people with a physical handicap. But that’s exactly what The Donald did in South Carolina, mimicking the arthrogryposis of New York Times reporter Serge Kovaleski. Of course, the pompous spray-tanned gasbag later denied doing exactly what he did. Great, now he’s mocking people with Alzheimer’s.

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

The Prince of Darkness, on the other hand, was recently caught on surveillance video expanding access to handicap parking:

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

 

6. SATAN HAS MORE BUSINESS AND FOREIGN POLICY EXPERIENCE

Donald Trump, despite all his bragging about being “really, really rich,” and touting himself as a business wizard capable of “beating China all the time” if given the White House, has seen four businesses go bankrupt. Now, he is a successful global businessman, no doubts there, even though in the beginning things were not easy for him. He grew up in Brooklyn. His father gave him a small loan of a million dollars. And from that nothingness he pulled himself up by his bootstraps and made his fortune, even if there were some things money simply couldn’t buy.

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

Hell, of course, has never gone bankrupt. Satan has been running it successfully for thousands of years, and not a single demon lost his job. Satan also has extensive foreign policy experience, particularly in the Middle East, but elsewhere as well. It’s a big job, tempting billions of people. The Donald may drone on and on about the “good deals” and “great deals” he makes, but zero of them come close to rivaling a “Deal With the Devil.” Satan is such an effective dealmaker, he convinces people to sell him their souls. Their souls. Now that’s a man who can make good deals.

rather have Satan as President than Donald Trump

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Palin’s Strained Relationship With Reality

In this morning’s Today Show interview, her first since endorsing Donald Trump for president, Sarah Palin reminded us all what a strained relationship with reality looks like.

First and most important was Palin’s insistence to hosts Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie that she didn’t say in her endorsement speech of Trump that President Barack Obama’s alleged disrespect for U.S. soldiers contributes in some manner to the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder many soldiers experience, including her son.

“You said that President Obama may be to blame for some of the PTSD that’s out there,” Guthrie said.

“I never said that,” Palin interrupted, with a puzzled look.

“I never blamed President Obama,” she continued, explaining that she was simply criticizing Obama for his “level of disrespect for the United State military” as revealed by his military budget: “not trying to beef it up and let our military do the job that they are trained to do… Let’s get in there and utterly destroy ISIS” instead of deciding to “kowtow” and “allow the enemy to be poking at us.”

Palin seems to think the decline in military spending since 2010, from nearly $700 billion to about $600 billion in 2015, signals Obama’s disrespect for the military. Yes, there couldn’t possibly be more straightforward explanations, such as the end of the U.S. occupation of Iraq.

Her insistence that she didn’t claim Obama’s disrespect contributed to the damaged mental state of veterans is up for debate. Her words from her endorsement speech, original grammar and made-up words preserved, are as follows:

Our wounded warriors, sometimes in body and in mind, coming back different than when they left for the war zone. I can talk personally about this, I guess it’s kind of the elephant in the room, because my own family—going through what we’re going through today with my son, a combat vet having served in a striker brigade fighting for you all, America, in the war zone. But my son, like so many others—they come back a bit different. They come back hardened. They come back wondering if there is that respect for what it is that their fellow soldiers and airmen and every other member of the military so sacrificially have given to this country. And that starts from the top. It’s a shame that our military personnel even have to wonder, if they have to question if they are respected anymore.

That comes from our own president. Where they have to look at him and wonder, “Do you know what we go through? Do you know what we’re trying to do to secure America?”

So when my own son is going through what he goes through coming back, I can certainly relate with other families who kind of feel these ramifications of some PTSD and some of the woundedness that our soldiers do return with.

And it makes me realize, more than ever, it is now or never, for the sake of America’s finest, that we have that commander-in-chief who will respect them and honor them.

Obviously, it’s heavily implied that Obama is partially worsening the “woundedness” of soldiers. Palin may not have said it clearly–most of what she says is characterized by a lack of clarity–but she came very close.

Second, one can’t help but notice that despite Palin’s valiant stand for soldiers with PTSD, she advocates more of the very thing that causes it. ISIS must be “utterly destroyed.” No more “kowtowing.” The U.S. must unleash the dogs of war, continuing policies that leave U.S. soldiers–and far more foreigners–killed, maimed, traumatized, suicidal. Does Palin not understand the War on Terror is the direct cause of people coming back “different,” “hardened”?

As Weekend Collective noted, by 2015 half a million troops had a brain injury or PTSD, with 7,000 dead. Over 1 million innocent people in the Middle East died due to U.S. wars since 2001. Yet Palin pushes for more.

Thirdly, and bizarrely, Palin seemed miffed the topic even arose, and in her discomfort openly lied, and took a shot at the hostile liberal media in the process:

You guys brought me here to talk about Iowa politics and the caucus tonight, not to talk about my kids. And that was a promise. But, as things go in the world of media, you guys don’t always keep your promises evidently.

Yes, I’m sure NBC was so desperate to get an interview with Palin they promised to steer clear of the controversy.

Lauer had the deadpan look of a man about crush someone with cold hard facts when he said, “There were no specific promises made about content of the interview, only that this would be your first interview since you endorsed Donald Trump.”

Finally, in perhaps the closest Palin will ever come to acknowledging Donald Trump is a monster, the woman actually told Christian voters not to worry about his faith, a sharp difference from standard conservative strategy.

Guthrie said Palin’s appeal to evangelical Christian voters made her endorsement valuable to Trump, and asked if Trump was the “godly candidate” they sought.

Palin responded that she hoped voters weren’t looking for the “Christian-y, godliest candidate”! “People are looking for he who has that record of success that proves he’s going to be able to get the job done for us finally.”

When Sarah Palin tells religious people to worry about a candidate’s record and not his godliness, that’s probably a good sign religious voters should find someone new to support.

Watch the full interview here.

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