Disclaimer [added after the agent of a certain actor contacted the writer]: This article is satire, you twits. I’m not actually Paul Rudd. I’m Evil Asshole Paul Rudd, a fictional character. Keep sharing the article — or don’t, I couldn’t care less — but stop telling people it’s the real Paul Rudd. You’re gonna get my white ass sued.

Oh, hey.

It’s me, Evil Asshole Paul Rudd.

Here to explain obvious things to dipshits and dingbats. I lived in Kansas City growing up, and Jesus there are a lot of those scurrying around here. And around the world. But mostly here.

It’s why I ghosted you fuckers hard on social media. Yeah, I used to have a Twitter. Facebook, too. But they’re gone now. Tired of you blowing up my DMs. If you want to know the answers to basic ass questions like “What State is Kansas City in?” you’ll have to come here for them.

There are two Kansas Cities, OK? God, it’s sad to have to explain this. There’s a Kansas City, Missouri, and a Kansas City, Kansas, OK?

I’ll repeat it slowly so as not to confuse you: two…cities. Not one city in two states. That’s impossible, dumbass. Read the Constitution.

Now I’m going to throw a curveball your way. Most of the time, anyone who lives anywhere near Kansas City just tells people from other cities that they are from Kansas City. As an outsider, when you hear “I’m from Kansas City,” don’t assume that means Kansas. Or Missouri. Don’t assume anything, OK? I’m from Lenexa, Kansas, but when people in Los Angeles hear that, they think Slap-the-Udder is all there is to do there on a Saturday night. It’s suburbia, motherfuckers!

So yeah, sometimes it’s treated like one city in two states. Nothing wrong with that. As long as you understand it technically isn’t.

If you’re from out of town, your proper response to every statement resembling “I’m from Kansas City” is “Oh, Kansas side or Missouri side?” Whomever you’re speaking to will be blown the fuck away. Guaranteed.

All that’s left to educate you on is which is better. Now, before we start busting out the rulers for size comparisons (must…resist…shuttlecock…pun), both Kansas Cities are pretty great if we’re including the greater metro area. In other words, not just comparing Kansas City, Kansas, and Kansas City, Missouri, but including Lenexa and everywhere else. Lot of nice places to live, work, and go to school on the Greater-Kansas City-in-Kansas side, and a lot of amazing attractions on the Greater-Kansas City-in-Missouri side like downtown, the plaza, the Royals stadium, the Chiefs stadiums, and murder.

Now, all those cool things are in Kansas City, Missouri, itself, not just Greater-Kansas City-in-Missouri. So looking at just Kansas City, Kansas, and Kansas City, Missouri, Kansas City, Kansas, gets utterly destroyed. All it’s got is a cool soccer stadium and a water park that doubles as a guillotine.

If you live in Greater-Kansas City-in-Kansas you don’t want to live in Kansas City, Kansas, but if you live in Greater-Kansas City-in-Missouri it’s chill to live in Kansas City, Missouri.

Christ, this is confusing.

For more from the author, subscribe and follow or read his books.