A Star Wars Redo

Full disclosure here: I have a massive incentive for this idea of remaking Star Wars episodes I, II, and III to take hold and become reality.

A couple years ago I made a bet with my closest friend, whose name just happens to be Luke. Should the prequels not be remade in my lifetime, I must leave all my wealth and possessions to him when I die. If they do get reboots, Luke has to buy my movie tickets when we go see them together. Seems fair, amiright?

That is how confident I am that Disney will begin remaking the Star Wars prequels at some point. Not before the new trilogy is completed in 2019, of course, but perhaps in the 2020s, 2030s, or 2040s.

But in order to encourage the dissemination of the idea, which is actually quite popular among the Star Wars fans whose childhoods were absolutely ruined by George Lucas’ stupidity, I thought it would be wise to lay out a simple argument in support. You know, just in case helping prevent my future wife and children from being left with nothing wasn’t enough motivation for you.

My argument has three points, none of which should be all that controversial.

 

1. FILM STUDIOS LOVE REBOOTS, ESPECIALLY IF THE ORIGINALS WERE SH*T

Sometimes, studios take god-awful films and have another go. Remember the absolutely abysmal Fantastic Four from 2005 with Chris Evans and Jessica Alba? Disney tried its luck (failing spectacularly) in 2015. They redid the origin story, this time with Micheal B. Jordan, Kate Mara, and Miles Teller. Remember Hulk, then The Incredible Hulk within 5 years? These are examples of film studios taking bad films and trying to breathe new life into them.

Sure, sometimes it doesn’t work, but sometimes it does. Think Star Trek or Batman Begins. And sometimes studios take good movies and redo them, just for kicks. Just for a cash-grab. Remember Spider-Man(2002) with Tobey Maguire? It launched the modern era of superhero flicks. But by 2012 came The Amazing Spider-Man, which retold Peter Parker’s origin story.

No film, no matter how recent or how wonderful, is safe from reboots. Film companies see a market, and they supply. We rightfully gripe about movies whose classics are beloved and well-made, but is anyone pissed we went from the Tim Burton Batman films to those of Christopher Nolan? Sometimes, a story deserves a retelling. There is clearly a Star Wars market, quite larger than that of Fantastic Four, and as the prequels are nearly universally despised, there would be much excitement if the story of Darth Vader was to be retold.

Studios, there is a fortune to be made. And fans, with The Force Awakens, hasn’t Disney proven it can produce a decent Star Wars film?

 

2. THE PREQUELS WERE SOME OF THE WORST MOVIES EVER MADE

If you’re one of the few who actually like the prequels and (somehow) think their quality rivals that of the original trilogy, I’m sorry. I don’t know if anyone’s ever been more wrong about something. I’ll give you a pass, as you’re likely 9 years old. But let me give you a preview of the future thoughts you’ll have when you actually understand something about what makes a good movie and what makes Bogus with Whoopi Goldberg.

The Star Wars prequels:

  • Had dialogue that sounded like it was written by some of your fellow 9 year olds (Obi-Wan says, “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.” Read it a few times, you’ll get it).
  • Relied overwhelmingly on CGI environments and characters, making everything feel fake.
  • Used two awful actors for Anakin Skywalker, though it’s difficult to decide whether Jake Lloyd or Hayden Christensen was worse.
  • Handed decent actors like Ewan McGregor, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Lee, and Natalie Portman miserable lines and one dimensional characters and expected them not to be boring.
  • Created extremely unlikeable good guys and entirely boring villains: Anakin Skywalker, Jar-Jar Binks, Count Dooku, General Grievous, Nute Gunray, and so on.
  • Had frighteningly stupid characters: Mace Windu said, “The Dark Side of the Force surrounds the Chancellor” but sounds surprised when Anakin tells him the Chancellor is a Sith; the Jedi think a prophecy about bringing balance to the Force sounds awesome when there’s thousands of them and only two Sith; Anakin doesn’t know what “democracy” means and thinks people “can be made to” agree on issues; Qui-Gon can’t use the Force on Watto to convince him to use Republic currency, but instead of just using the Force on someone else to do a simple currency exchange, Qui-Gon enters into complicated and risky bets on podracing (credit: Mr. Plinkett; see below).
  • Featured a plot so poorly thought out it’s painful:
    • Palpatine tells Nute Gunray to invade Naboo (why is Nute listening to this hologram? What’s in it for him?) so the Senate will impeach the current chancellor and elect Palpatine (who’s from Naboo and therefore was sure to win with a “sympathy vote.” Why the f*ck wouldn’t Palpatine just wait for the next election, then use the Force to get votes? He couldn’t wait a couple more years?
    • Then, in the next two movies, we see Palpatine create another unnecessary crisis. He has Nute’s droid armies go to war with a clone army that he also controls, using the conflict to stay in power longer and also wipe out the Jedi. Why the f*ck wouldn’t he simply use one army to just destroy the Jedi? Why is he destroying the galaxy he wants to rule? Think about a simpler, less destructive solution. A massive, mysterious force appears, wipes out the Jedi in a couple months to a year, and the people of the galaxy, devoid of their protectors, turn to Palpatine to keep them safe. It’s a better story because it’s more believable — the bad guy acts in a way anyone who isn’t an imbecile would act.
    • And of course, Anakin goes from someone who is simply unhappy with the Jedi for asking him to be a spy and not letting him be a master to someone willing to kill them all (children, his friend Obi-Wan, everyone) just so he can get “powerful enough” to “uncover the secret” to keeping Padme alive. Killing Tuskens or Mace Windu in a moment of anger, chaos, or fear made sense, but Anakin being so evil and selfish he’d kill everyone he knows and loves just for the chance of keeping his wife alive? The transition to that stage was hopelessly forced and awkward.

For more, watch Mr. Plinkett’s reviews of each prequel movie, they are absolutely hilarious (minus some bizarre kidnapping scenes) and effectively tear each movie the new one it deserves.

 

3. OBJECTIONS TO A REBOOT ARE FAIRLY PATHETIC

My third point addresses possible objections to the idea of remaking the Star Wars prequels (“Hey, the prequels were pretty damn good!” has already been addressed, you ignoramus. Unless you mean the Auralnauts versions, that is). Most of these objections come from some article on FuriousFanBoys.com.

  1. They won’t remake the prequels, they’re canon! Don’t be an idiot. The word “canon” means absolutely nothing to Disney. Remember how violated you felt when they dismissed the Expanded Universe like a left swipe on Tinder? Canon is something you care about. You will of course say the comic books, novels, and video games aren’t as “canon-y” as the films themselves, and if that helps you sleep at night then keep telling yourself that. You know in your heart Disney doesn’t give a sh*t. They care about profits.
  2. Disney doesn’t have the rights! They will. 20th Century Fox may own the first six movies now, but those rights are slated to pass to Disney, for most of the movies by 2020. Then it’s all fair game.
  3. Remaking the Star Wars prequels will mess up The Clone Wars and RebelsIn case you’re unaware, these are cartoons set in the prequel era. Yes, this is an actual argument posited by thinking human beings. I encourage you to see #1 above.
  4. Disney won’t spend money on reboots over new movies like Episodes VII, VIII, and IX, plus all the spin-offs like Rogue OneSure, for the time being. But in 20 years? 40 years? You really think they won’t ever decide to profit off fixing the biggest f*ck-up in film history for the most obsessive fan base of all time?
  5. The prequels make money! Yes, FuriousFanBoys.com assures us, the DVDs of Episodes I-III are such “big sellers” there would be no financial incentive for Disney to reboot the trilogy. I’ll leave aside the fact the writer doesn’t bother to provide a source for his claims, but assuming it’s all true, I don’t think he quite understands how this whole money-making thing works. Let me spell it out for him: Disney…could…make…even…more…money…
  6. If we allow the prequels to be remade, what’s to stop them from remaking the original trilogy? Basically nothing — in fact, there’s nothing to stop Disney from remaking the original trilogy even if the prequels aren’t rebooted. In the same way there’s nothing to stop a redo of the miserable prequels, there’s nothing to stop a redo of the originals… Or is there? The only real force to prevent such a thing is fan backlash and a pitiful sales forecast. If that happens when Disney considers rebooting the prequels, the project may be scrapped. If it happens when Disney considers rebooting the original trilogy, the idea may be abandoned. A reboot of each is in the realm of the possible, but one is much more likely to actually happen because the backlash will be slight and the sales forecast delightful (hint: it’s the one that blows).             

Every Star Wars fan has his or her own ideas about how the prequels should have gone. Arguing for remaking the Star Wars prequels is good enough for me (and I encourage you to sign this petition if you agree), but I like the idea of a love triangle between Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme (mirroring the Luke-Han-Leia triangle of the original), giving Anakin a reason to try to kill Obi-Wan in a fit of jealous rage. A great way to fall to the Dark Side.

Whatever is created will be far superior, in each and every way, to the human waste George Lucas offered. Belated Media’s videos on the topic are decent. The future is full of possibility, and it’s hard not to be excited about that after watching.

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