Could any of us have envisioned the depths of absolute madness into which the Republican Party would descend during this 2016 primary season? It’s as someone tweeted, “I feel like this is the last season of America and the writers are just going nuts.” Nothing exemplifies this as well as the sexual things — some intentional, some witless accidents that only sound filthy to our filthy minds — that have come out of candidates’ mouths. Here are 5 times the Republican candidates said something disturbingly sexual and deeply unsettling.
TED CRUZ AND RAT SEX
Last month, during a speech in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz was talking about the dirty tricks of Donald Trump advisor Roger Stone, who Cruz said was “a man for whom a term was coined for copulating with a rodent.” But Cruz wouldn’t stop there. He wanted to try analogy. “Well let me be clear,” he continued, “Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him.”
A presidential candidate feeling the need to joke about how he has no desire to make love with rival candidates has to be some kind of record low in American politics, but that can hardly be overshadowed by the fact Cruz used the word “but.” He “may be a rat, but…”? So if it was a rat but not Trump, you might think about it? Ted, you sly dog!
WHEN RUBIO DREW ATTENTION TO TRUMP’S DANGLE…
Marco Rubio, desperate to stop Donald Trump’s onslaught in the early contests, started fighting dirty. Channeling his inner frat boy, Rubio called Trump illiterate, mocked his spray tan, and joked that maybe Trump peed his pants. Then Rubio, once hailed as the more presidential-looking and presidential-acting of the Republican field, hit The Donald where it hurt. He said Trump had small hands, “and you know what they say about guys with small hands!” As his surprised audience laughed, he joked, “You can’t trust them!”
Shocking to nearly all political analysts, Rubio’s attack on Trump’s penis did not save his doomed campaign.
…AND TRUMP THOUGHT, “CHRIST, WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?”
Donald Trump, who has crushed his opposition from the very beginning because a massive portion of conservative voters love his bigotry and authoritarianism, and overall insanity, seized on the opportunity Rubio offered. It was as if Rubio thought that gasoline would douse the fiery sh*tstorm that is Trump’s candidacy. The Donald assured the nation during a nationally-televised Republican debate that all was well with his Johnson, using his trademarked nearly-incoherent psychobabble:
Look at those hands, are they small hands?… He referred to my hands — ‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.
When CNN runs an article headlined, “Donald Trump Defends Size of His Penis,” you know it’s all over. R.I.P. America, 1776-2016.
GOTTA BE CAREFUL WHEN SAYING “ON YOUR KNEES”
Ted Cruz made clear what he thought of presidential candidates that aren’t as pious as he: “Any president who doesn’t begin every day on his knees isn’t fit to be commander-in-chief of this nation,” forcing more liberal opinion writers to decide if they should focus their articles on the smug implication of the superiority and necessity of religious leaders or just how dirty such a statement sounds to anyone who isn’t nine.
The choice wasn’t difficult. Our bad.
P.S. Sorry for all the pics of Ted Cruz.
JEB’S HOT THREESOME
After Jeb’s miserable performance in the first couple primaries and caucuses, he was forced to pull out (LOL). “I’ve had an incredible life [uhhh, is it ending?], and for me, public service has been the highlight of that life,” Bush said. “But no matter what the future holds…tonight I’m going to sleep with the best friend I have and the love of my life.”
The love of his life is clearly Columba, his wife, whom he kissed after saying this. The word is still out on who Jeb’s best friend is, whether it’s a woman or man (Devil’s Threesome, anyone?), why Columba seemed so calm in the face of Jeb’s public admission of their freaky sex life, or how the evening went overall.