Clinton Gets Shredded

April 1, 2016–During a speech at the State University of New York on Friday morning, a hearty gust of wind lifted Hillary Clinton’s blouse about eight inches, revealing a six pack.

“I’ve been on a strict diet and exercise routine since Iowa,” Clinton told NYBC 4 after the speech. “High-intensity interval training. Heavy weight, low rep.”

Clinton is only the latest presidential candidate working to slim down in hopes of nabbing the Powerlifter vote, a key demographic, especially in the upcoming primaries in New England. Jeb Bush and Chris Christie put forth similar efforts, before they hung up their Harbinger Big Grip No Slip Weightlifting Straps and bowed out of the race for the Republican nomination.

Neither had as much success as Clinton. When Jeb Bush showed off his new body at a speech in New Hampshire in February he was forced to meekly ask an unimpressed gathering, “Please clap” — this was widely marked as the beginning of the end for his campaign.

“Hillary Clinton has consistently lagged behind her main Democratic rival in the power clean, deadlift, and leg press,” Bernie Sanders campaign spokesman Dean Waterston said in a press release after the breeze incident at SUNY, which some have already called Washboardgate. “It’s no surprise to us that the secretary would start high-intensity interval training at this stage of the campaign, it’s just disappointing it’s politically motivated. Senator Sanders has been lifting for decades, since his time at the University of Chicago.”

“Let me be perfectly clear,” Bernie Sanders told a reporter at Dalia’s Cafe in Soho, “Secretary Clinton’s Super PAC has received huge sums of money from the Supplemental Industry. The top tenth of 1% is not donating to her expecting nothing in return. We have to put an end to the reckless greed of Big Protein that is wrecking this economy.”

“I am so sick of these lies,” Clinton later snapped at a Louie’s Gym member at a campaign rally in Brooklyn on Friday afternoon. “I have never taken a single supplement to make these kinds of gains.”

Clinton is not the only one facing criticism, however. The Democratic National Committee is under fire from Bernie Sanders supporters concerned about what kind of advantage the supersets will give Clinton over Sanders when the race draws to a close. Clinton also leads Sanders in regular sets.

“She really looks great,” Bill Clinton said when pressed to comment on the incident. “She’s been working hard.” Chuckling, he continued, “Sometimes I spot her.”

Donald Trump, no stranger to controversy in this election, told a crowd of supporters in Wisconsin, “I shouldn’t say it, I feel bad saying it, believe me, but you have to wonder if Bill would have spent more time at home if Hillary had had abs like that a long time ago. I shouldn’t say that, I feel terrible. Terrible.”

Facing a firestorm of criticism, Trump later walked back the comment.

At about the same time, The Madison Times reported Ted Cruz broke his back going for a new wide-stance squat P.R. of 55 pounds.  

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