Examining the 2016 GOP Platform

The New York Times called it “the most extreme Republican platform in memory.” The Human Rights Campaign called it “the most overtly anti-LGBTQ platform in history.” But is the 2016 Republican platform really that bad?

 

“WE DENOUNCE BIGOTRY, RACISM, ANTI-SEMITISM, ETHNIC PREJUDICE, AND RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE. THEREFORE, WE OPPOSE DISCRIMINATION BASED ON RACE, SEX, RELIGION, CREED, DISABILITY, OR NATIONAL ORIGIN…”

And without further ado, our presidential nominee, Donald Trump.

Also, opposing discrimination against sexual orientation or identity? Haha, f*ck that.

 

“AS THE PARTY OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN, WE MUST CONTINUE TO FOSTER SOLUTIONS TO AMERICA’S DIFFICULT CHALLENGES WHEN IT COMES TO RACE RELATIONS TODAY. WE CONTINUE TO ENCOURAGE EQUALITY FOR ALL CITIZENS AND ACCESS TO THE AMERICAN DREAM. MERIT AND HARD WORK SHOULD DETERMINE ADVANCEMENT IN OUR SOCIETY, SO WE REJECT UNFAIR PREFERENCES, QUOTAS, AND SET-ASIDES AS FORMS OF DISCRIMINATION.”

We decided to put these sentences together to highlight our ignorance of how America’s racial history still limits the economic opportunities of minorities in poor communities, something affirmative action was designed to help alleviate.

 

“A GOOD UNDERSTANDING OF THE BIBLE BEING INDISPENSABLE FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF AN EDUCATED CITIZENRY…”

That’s right, Muslims, Hindus, atheists, and agnostics — if you don’t learn about our ancient text written by primitive Middle Eastern clans, your education is flawed and so is your ability to be a good U.S. citizen.

 

“WE BELIEVE THE CONSTITUTION WAS WRITTEN NOT AS A FLEXIBLE DOCUMENT, BUT AS OUR ENDURING COVENANT.”

That’s why no changes were ever really necessary. Don’t you dare bring up slavery or votes for women.

 

“WE BELIEVE IN AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM. WE BELIEVE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER NATION ON EARTH.”

Isn’t it such a happy coincidence that you happened to be born in the greatest nation of all time?

 

“EVERY TIME WE SING, ‘GOD BLESS AMERICA,’ WE ARE ASKING FOR HELP. WE ASK FOR DIVINE HELP THAT OUR COUNTRY CAN FULFILL ITS PROMISE.”

Yeah, a little Manifest Destiny never killed anyone.

 

“GOD BESTOWS CERTAIN INALIENABLE RIGHTS ON EVERY INDIVIDUAL, THUS PRODUCING HUMAN EQUALITY… MAN-MADE LAW MUST BE CONSISTENT WITH GOD-GIVEN, NATURAL RIGHTS; AND THAT IF GOD-GIVEN, NATURAL, INALIENABLE RIGHTS COME IN CONFLICT WITH GOVERNMENT, COURT, OR HUMAN-GRANTED RIGHTS, GOD-GIVEN, NATURAL, INALIENABLE RIGHTS ALWAYS PREVAIL; THAT THERE IS A MORAL LAW RECOGNIZED AS “THE LAWS OF NATURE AND OF NATURE’S GOD”… [THE CONSTITUTION] ENSHRINES OUR GOD-GIVEN INDIVIDUAL RIGHTS…”

Guys, we really like the Judeo-Christian deity. A lot.

 

“THE CORNERSTONE OF THE FAMILY IS NATURAL MARRIAGE, THE UNION OF ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN.”

In case you’re bad with reading between the lines, gay marriage is unnatural, folks.

 

“WE DO NOT ACCEPT THE SUPREME COURT’S REDEFINITION OF MARRIAGE AND WE URGE ITS REVERSAL, WHETHER THROUGH JUDICIAL RECONSIDERATION OR A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT RETURNING CONTROL OVER MARRIAGE TO THE STATES.”

Yeah, a little State’s Rights never hurt anybody.

 

“WE OPPOSE GOVERNMENT DISCRIMINATION AGAINST BUSINESSES OR ENTITIES WHICH DECLINE TO SELL ITEMS OR SERVICES TO INDIVIDUALS FOR ACTIVITIES THAT GO AGAINST THEIR RELIGIOUS VIEWS ABOUT SUCH ACTIVITIES.”

Sorry, ma’am, but you’re an atheist, and the Bible says nonbelievers must be put to death. I don’t actually take that part of the Bible seriously, but I think I’ll still have to ask you to take your business elsewhere.

Whoa, just kidding. We were only talking about the gays.

 

“TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE AND FAMILY, BASED ON MARRIAGE BETWEEN ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN, IS THE FOUNDATION FOR A FREE SOCIETY AND HAS FOR MILLENNIA BEEN ENTRUSTED WITH REARING CHILDREN AND INSTILLING CULTURAL VALUES.”

You heard it here first. With gay marriage, society cannot be free.

 

“WE RENEW OUR CALL FOR REPLACING ‘FAMILY PLANNING’ PROGRAMS FOR TEENS WITH SEXUAL RISK AVOIDANCE EDUCATION THAT SETS ABSTINENCE UNTIL MARRIAGE AS THE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTED STANDARD OF BEHAVIOR.”

Abstinence education works, folks. I’d bet my daughter’s unbroken oyster on it.

 

“[TITLE IX] IS NOW BEING USED BY BUREAUCRATS — AND BY THE CURRENT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES — TO IMPOSE A SOCIAL AND CULTURAL REVOLUTION UPON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE BY WRONGLY REDEFINING SEX DISCRIMINATION TO INCLUDE SEXUAL ORIENTATION OR OTHER CATEGORIES. THEIR AGENDA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INDIVIDUAL RIGHTS; IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH POWER. THEY ARE DETERMINED TO RESHAPE OUR SCHOOLS — AND OUR ENTIRE SOCIETY — TO FIT THE MOLD OF AN IDEOLOGY ALIEN TO AMERICA’S HISTORY AND TRADITIONS.”

That’s right! Expanding anti-discrimination laws to cover more Americans has simply never been done before.

And just like when it wasn’t done before, with women and minorities, it’s all about power, not people’s well-being.

 

“WITH ALL OUR FELLOW CITIZENS, WE HAVE WATCHED, IN ANGER AND DISGUST, THE MOCKING OF OUR IMMIGRATION LAWS BY A PRESIDENT WHO MADE HIMSELF SUPERIOR TO THE WILL OF THE NATION. WE STAND WITH THE VICTIMS OF HIS POLICIES, ESPECIALLY THE FAMILIES OF MURDERED INNOCENTS. ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION ENDANGERS EVERYONE…”

They’re bringing crime. They’re bringing drugs. They’re rapists. And I’m sure a lot of them are good people.

 

“THE NEXT PRESIDENT MUST NOT SOW SEEDS OF DIVISION AND DISTRUST BETWEEN THE POLICE AND THE PEOPLE THEY HAVE SWORN TO SERVE AND PROTECT.”

Because everyone knows distrust between police and ordinary citizens is, historically, Obama’s fault.

 

“THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COAL IS AN ABUNDANT, CLEAN, AFFORDABLE, RELIABLE DOMESTIC ENERGY RESOURCE.”

Trust us, we’ve never been wrong on issues of science.

 

“OVER A DOZEN STATES HAVE PASSED PAIN CAPABLE UNBORN CHILD PROTECTION ACTS PROHIBITING ABORTION AFTER TWENTY WEEKS, THE POINT AT WHICH CURRENT MEDICAL RESEARCH SHOWS THAT UNBORN BABIES CAN FEEL EXCRUCIATING PAIN DURING ABORTIONS, AND WE CALL ON CONGRESS TO ENACT THE FEDERAL VERSION.”

Because at twenty weeks, women will still feel healthy enough to make the drive down to Texas to buy Miso on the black market and commit abortion anyway.

 

“WE SUPPORT BUILDING A WALL ALONG OUR SOUTHERN BORDER AND PROTECTING ALL PORTS OF ENTRY.”

Just like with my daughter.

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