Abigail Adams Returns From Grave to Destroy Bill O’Reilly

On July 26, 2016, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly received some criticism after claiming black slaves who constructed the White House were “well-fed” and offered “decent” housing. O’Reilly was offering some background information after Michelle Obama, in her speech at the Democratic National Convention, brought up the topic of slavery and the construction of her current residence. O’Reilly said:

In 1800, President John Adams took up residence in what was then called the Executive Mansion — it was only later on they named it the White House. But Adams was in there with Abigail, and they were still hammering nails, the construction was still going on. Slaves that worked there were well fed and had decent lodgings provided by the government, which stopped hiring slave labor in 1802. However, the feds did not forbid subcontractors from using slave labor.

O’Reilly’s main point was that “there were others working as well,” not just slaves, to construct the White House, but his side note raised some eyebrows, including those of Abigail Adams, who promptly rose from her grave at United First Parish Church in Quincy, Massachusetts, and began floating in the direction of New York City.

“Oh, hell no,” the ghost of Adams snapped as she reentered the physical world, before leaving the church grounds, says lawn care specialist Hank Emerson.

Highway motorists reported various mutterings of profanities from the apparition during its journey, including “That Bill fuckface O’Reilly” and “Silly rabbit. Trix are…for kids.”

Before her arrival at the Fox News headquarters at Rockefeller Center, word had already spread that Adams was coming for Bill, according to a gaffer who asked to remain anonymous. “I heard one of his assistants say he was off to a last-minute 3 p.m. luncheon. I’ve never seen Bill move that fast.”

The source says that when the assistant insisted they wouldn’t be able to wrap up production in time if he left, he allegedly went ballistic, saying, “We’ll do it live. Fuck it! We’ll do it live!” before dashing across the parking lot.

Adams was miffed to have to leave a message for Bill, but the one she left was, objectively, pretty powerful — a verbatim quote from a letter she wrote to her friend Cotton Tufts on the conditions of the black slaves building the White House:

The effects of Slavery are visible every where; and I have amused myself from day to day in looking at the labour of 12 negroes from my window, who are employd with four small Horse Carts to remove some dirt in front of the house. the four carts are all loaded at the same time, and whilst four carry this rubish about half a mile, the remaining eight rest upon their Shovels, Two of our hardy N England men would do as much work in a day as the whole 12, but it is true Republicanism that drive the Slaves half fed, and destitute of cloathing…to labour, whilst the owner waches about Idle, tho his one Slave is all the property he can boast, Such is the case of many of the inhabitants of this place.

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