It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that I learned how to be happy. I think part of this was simply growing older, maturity bringing sweet respite from many of the things one stresses about as a younger person. In more ways than one, happiness is often about running out the clock. But the hard work of adopting new perspectives and ways of living played a significant role. Depression, use of anti-depressants, and musings of suicide and the three-word note I would have left are years behind me. This is not to say I am always happy. One motivation for writing this piece is to have somewhere to turn when I lose my way. But I now possess healing balms for life’s wounds that I wish I’d found long ago. Of course, some of the following is obvious or should have been or was superficially known, but only through serious thought and experience did I come to truly understand. Perhaps all this will prove useful to you, dear reader, when you face the slings and arrows — when a loved one is dead or dying, when your own health or life or youth is fading, when you despise your job, when you are struggling to find a job as your money depletes, when you’re overwhelmed as a parent, when you have no one to love and are lonely, when you are divorced or left, when you are regretful or embarrassed or don’t like what you see in the mirror. How hard it is to be a human being! I have in no way, thus far, experienced the worst life could offer; I write from a place of immense privilege and luck. But the older I get (I have now reached my late thirties), and the more hardships I face, the more I am convinced one can be content in all things, through reflection and philosophy. (And, of course, Bob Dylan.)
Be thankful for everything you’ve got. This is easier said than done, especially in truly dire circumstances. Agonizing chronic pain, disability, rape, abject poverty, homelessness, hunger, violence, prison… Such things cast a shadow over every point in this piece, and I don’t mean to discount them (though I will avoid repetition and simply trust the reader moving forward). Yet there is surely always something to be grateful for. Each individual will have her own unique tally. The sun on your face, the people that you know, the very fact you are alive and exist. From the more privileged (ableist?) vantage point, I am immensely grateful for my freedom, for a roof over my head, food to eat, the ability to walk and run and jump, to see and hear.
Make every day great. This is similar to the point above (many of these are highly alike, but just distinct enough, I find, to appreciate individually). Focus hard on making each day wonderful in some small way. Today I did some reading — that is a great day. Enjoy nature, see friends or family, watch a good film, exercise or play a sport, listen to music, do some writing. Find a way to make each day great, and boldly call it so, despite mental or physical pain. This mindset helped me a good deal.
Let go of wants and desires, relieve your suffering. How right the Buddhists are! You are angry, sad, ashamed, afraid, anxious, or dissatisfied because you desire something. Begin the difficult work of letting go — “That’s just a want, not a need. I do not need that to have a good life.” Say this to yourself every day. You may find it soon feels more and more true. Of all the items on this list, this one is surely the most challenging. I do believe that some desires can still be pursued (focusing only on what you can control; see below), but the more you let go the more they can be worked toward without painful emotion. If you crave something and don’t have it, you suffer. If something would simply be nice to have, you can be content without it but still take steps in a levelheaded way to add it to your life.
All things are temporary. Nothing lasts. More Buddhist wisdom. The temporary nature of all circumstances, states, life itself — embracing this is quite freeing indeed. Good things won’t last. Loved ones will move away or pass away. Such trials hurt less when I consider that this is the natural way of things. No need to fight it. I will treasure a good while it lasts, knowing it’s fleeting, and be grateful I had it for a time when it’s gone. Likewise, the bad things don’t last! The pain of losing loved ones will ease with time, your financial crisis is probably temporary, your embarrassment will pass — after months, years, or decades, awful events and eras will be a dim memory (death will take care of anything that persists). “Time heals all wounds” is a classic for a reason. Taking all this to heart helps you get through the dark days.
Every loss an opportunity. When the person you like does not like you, you lose your job, or your business goes under, look at it as a golden opportunity. Change your perspective. It’s the opportunity to find or build something even better. You may have to focus for a time on the negatives of the things you lost. Embrace reason over emotion. (I admit this one might even be taken to a controversial, disturbing place to rescue the spirit from unhappiness. The grief of a loved one’s death may be lessened by finding silver linings, not just the common, outward-facing “He’s no longer suffering, he’s at peace now” but also the shame-inducing, supposedly selfish “I no longer have to care for him each day, I am free as well.”)
You can’t change the past, only your perspective — which is almost as good. What if the disasters of your past could be seen as positives? As events that taught you valuable lessons? And made you a wiser, stronger, better person in some way?
Life is a river. You mostly can’t control where you’re going. Let go! Stoicism emphasizes that much of what happens to us is beyond our control, and that we must only focus on what we can control, which can bring much peace. (Helpfully, the philosophy stresses other perspective changes and premeditatio malorum, imagining potential hardships to be more mentally and emotionally prepared for them.) Indeed, the River of Life takes us to places we never thought we would go. To places of great joy and great sorrow, and some that are simply bizarre. On the River you can paddle and steer a little bit, and even get off entirely, hopefully leaving a note of more than three words. But it’s going to take you where it will. (Some think it’s God’s Plan, seeking comfort and happiness in the being who allows or sends the miseries.) When I find myself in times of trouble, I accept that this is simply where life brought me. I can then be more content — let it be.
Things couldn’t have happened any other way. This was fate. I wanted to wait to write this piece until finishing If Free Will Is False, Destiny Is True. I invite you to read it. There are serious reasons to doubt that you could have made different choices in life. You made this or that awful decision because that’s who you fundamentally were in that moment, shaped by all prior experiences. To have made a different choice, you would have had to have been someone else, a different you. Impossible! Understanding this helps you let go of your regrets over the past or lamentations over an unsatisfactory present — open your hand, let the wind carry them away.
Everything in its own time. Why must everything happen right now, or when it is common? One way to help ensure your pursuit of desires remains casual is to break free of timelines constructed by both yourself and society. You may have wanted to get married by 25. Seemingly everyone else is. You don’t have to wear that weight around your neck. Change your perspective. If you’re married at 50, that’s wonderful! Embrace patience as one of the ultimate virtues. Let things happen naturally. Nothing can be forced. Everything in its own time.
Take care of yourself. The working, logical mind can’t always do it alone. Exercise, enough sleep, healthy eating, proper hydration, therapy, medication, meditation, orgasm, sunlight, fresh air, balancing time alone and time with people… The body keeps the score. Caring for it can go a long way toward building a happy life.
In this effort, I do wish you the best.
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